"(He'll Never Be An) Ol' Man River" is a song by Australian alternative rock band TISM, released in June 1995 as the second single from their third studio album, Machiavelli and the Four Seasons.

The song peaked at number 23 on the ARIA Charts, becoming the band's highest charting single and polled at number 9 in the Triple J Hottest 100, 1995 The band performed the song on the RMITV show Under Melbourne Tonight in April 1995.

[1] The track is a criticism of celebrity worship, using the then-recent death of River Phoenix as its focus.

Red Hot Chili Peppers' Australian-born bassist Michael "Flea" Balzary (a close friend of Phoenix) reportedly left "wanting to kill" TISM.

The single was issued with a second "pills" cover after a version depicting a mockup of Phoenix's tombstone was withdrawn.