"Telephone Thing" is a song by British post-punk band the Fall, written by Mark E. Smith with Coldcut members Matt Black and Jonathan More.

Jonathan More said of Smith, "He thought the vocals and all the rest of the stuff we did on it were shit, but he really liked the guitar, bass and drums, and he gave the cassette to his band to learn these parts.

"[2] The band — Martin Bramah (guitar), Craig Scanlon (guitar), Steve Hanley (bass), Marcia Schofield (keyboards), and Simon Wolstencroft (drums)[3] — learned the tune, and Mark E. Smith wrote lyrics ranting against telephone tapping at a time when he thought his calls were being intercepted.

I actually rang up the operator and said 'Lookl I'm trying to dial a fucking number here and I can't get through because people are talking about my phone calls!

Smith's lyrics include the lines "How dare you assume I want to parlez-vous with you / Gretchen Franklin, nosey matron thing...".

Gretchen Franklin was the actress playing the part of Ethel Skinner, an elderly busybody in the BBC TV soap opera EastEnders.