[1][2] Not every message that begins with the word I is an I-message; some are statements about the speaker's perceptions, observations, assumptions, or criticisms (e.g., "I feel you are being defensive").
The simplest form, as frequently taught, is a single two-part sentence: It should be cautioned that "when you..." should be based on an objective event and avoid claims regarding intent.
[7] Gordon advises that to use an I-message successfully, there should be congruence between the words one is using and one's affect, tone of voice, facial expression and body language.
For example, "I want you to take out the trash every night" is positional problem solving, and "I don't want the kitchen to smell bad" is the reason.
[9] The goals of an "I" message in an interest-based approach: The Ohio Commission on Dispute Resolution and Conflict Management summarized this approach as follows: "A sender of a message can use a statement that begins with 'I' and expresses the sender's feelings, identifies the unwanted behavior, and indicates a willingness to resolve the dispute, without using 'you' statements or engaging in positional problem solving".
[9] The Commission proposed a four-part I-message: Marital stability and relationship analysis researcher John Gottman notes that although I-statements are less likely than You-statements to be critical and to make the listener defensive, "you can also buck this general rule and come up with 'I' statements like 'I think you are selfish' that are hardly gentle.
A quick shift by the sender of the I-message to an active listening posture can achieve several important functions in this situation, according to Gordon.
[11] In his book about mentoring, Gordon F. Shea states that communications specialists find that I-messages are a less threatening way to confront someone one wants to influence, and suggests a three-part I-message: a neutral description of planned behaviour, consequences of the behaviour, and the emotions of the speaker about the situation.